Willingness

The possibility you describe is not good enough. I acknowledge, and I love, the fact that in some limited, crippled way, two humans can communicate certain aspects of their thoughts and feelings, usually obliquely, usually inaccurately, always dependent on a certain amount of faith in the other. It's not good enough. I have communicated in this way with others. I do so right now. But it is not enough, it is not what I want. There is no passion, no fire, no essence. All that can be given is the bare shape of the idea, and all that can be done is to hope that the other fills in the structure in the same way that the one does.

What I want is to be able to see and feel what another sees and feels. I want to be able to look in the way that another looks - not in the way that I imagine they might look, but in full knowledge. I don't think of stupid petty things here, like how an apple tastes, or what the color blue looks like. I want to know how the world looks to someone who isn't me. And I want to be able to communicate even a small part of how the world looks to me.

You say "you have to be willing to tell someone else everything". This, it seems to me, is not enough. I am perfectly willing to float above the ground weightless, to fly above the treetops in glorious flight. I am willing to be rich beyond imagination. I am willing to communicate anything within myself, to someone who wants to hear it. But this is not enough. No matter how willing I am, gravity still keeps a firm hold. No matter how willing I am, my assets and debts continue to more or less balance. And no matter how willing I am, and even if I found someone who wanted to hear it, I could not communicate who I am and what I see to another. I do not have the words, and I do not believe that either they exist, or that they could.

This is, of course, all predicated on finding someone suitable. Which is, I suppose, what I am waiting for.

-f

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